So here I am 15 months since I penned the last post. I have been gone, if not in body - in spirit. I willingly went into a drug induced fog, that took me forever to find my way out of. Please understand that the drugs I refer to were all prescribed by my doctor of 10 years. He was more than my doctor, he was a friend of ours, and god bless his heart, he apparently didn't feel that I deserved what I was handed and helped to numb my existence for a year. It took an uncrazy, fleeting moment in my existence for me to realize this was not me, and not for me. Like a kamikaze, I quit taking the antidepressants and pain pills that were so lavishly given to me, cold turkey. I do not, repeat do not, recommend this for anyone. Even though they were prescribed to me, and I only took them as I was instructed the effect was horrendous. If you're ever faced with this dilemma, wean yourself off. The nightmarish existence that I experienced for about 2 weeks was not deserved, but I guess I had to feel everything I was going through, to get my sanity back. I almost died a few times, blood pressure bottomed out, insane delusions and the total lack of knowing that I was worth more than what I had gone through. Who knew that a 50 something year old philanthropist could be turned into a drug addict, without even trying? It was a long road back, not a journey that had me craving the pharmaceuticals that I had given up, but just getting my mind straight again. Truth be told, I'm still working on it.
Some of my family members took, real big, advantage of my situation. Says volumes about them. When I needed them more than any time in my life, they failed me. Such a disappointment, and revelation. I have become a bit jaded in my advancing years. People talk about forgiveness, but I just can't. I have successfully shut the door on those that were so miserable....but that doesn't mean that I don't feel the loss every single moment of my life. A cross I just must bear if I want to have any kind of a future. Something that I have learned through all of this...if you just disappear from people's lives, they will justify it, and eventually quit trying to figure out what is wrong and they never figure out it was they that were wrong.
What I did realize is that I have to find me again. I was once, a very independent, talented artist and writer. It's a good foundation to build on. In life I have had to change my paradigms a few times, but never so much as when I lost my mother, my father and then my husband, in such a short span of time. It was as if my whole identity, the thing that made me who I am, was just wiped off the planet....and I was just a scared, empty shell. Little by little I'm pulling from my foundation - taking a piece from here and a piece from there and I figure, eventually, I'll be okay once again. It started with picking up a pencil and a sketch pad, moved to putting together some graphics, expanded to designing how I want the yard to morph into a yard art escape, and planning a make over of the house - nothing extravagant, just a paint palette and a very cool steampunk graphic to be painted. One foot in front of the other. Even thinking about joining the working world again - at 59 you'd think I would know what I want to be when I grow up - but I'm still not sure....I just know it has to be something I enjoy, or it's not worth doing.
If someone were to ask me "If you could go back, and do one thing different, what would it be?" I believe now that I should have been a lawyer, or at the very least - the best paralegal this side of the Pecos. With my family, it really would have come in handy.
So this is the plan for my "new normal"...there really isn't one, except to be kind to myself. Hell, if no one else recognizes it...I do. To lose your whole foundation to unexpected deaths is just so cruel. My mom, my dad, my Joe - but when I'm at my lowest (yes, I still have those times) I think of one of the most beautiful women that I have met through this journey....we'll call her Minnie - she lost a son to this cruel disease and then her husband of forever so soon after. With all of my mind boggling loss I cannot imagine losing one of our children to this.......We used to be very close, but I believe, except for a poke every now and then - we just don't know what to say to each other. She knows I love her, and I know she loves me....and we also know that there is nothing to fix our broken hearts. So we move along, blindly.......sometimes tripping, or even falling.....but it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Some of my family members took, real big, advantage of my situation. Says volumes about them. When I needed them more than any time in my life, they failed me. Such a disappointment, and revelation. I have become a bit jaded in my advancing years. People talk about forgiveness, but I just can't. I have successfully shut the door on those that were so miserable....but that doesn't mean that I don't feel the loss every single moment of my life. A cross I just must bear if I want to have any kind of a future. Something that I have learned through all of this...if you just disappear from people's lives, they will justify it, and eventually quit trying to figure out what is wrong and they never figure out it was they that were wrong.
What I did realize is that I have to find me again. I was once, a very independent, talented artist and writer. It's a good foundation to build on. In life I have had to change my paradigms a few times, but never so much as when I lost my mother, my father and then my husband, in such a short span of time. It was as if my whole identity, the thing that made me who I am, was just wiped off the planet....and I was just a scared, empty shell. Little by little I'm pulling from my foundation - taking a piece from here and a piece from there and I figure, eventually, I'll be okay once again. It started with picking up a pencil and a sketch pad, moved to putting together some graphics, expanded to designing how I want the yard to morph into a yard art escape, and planning a make over of the house - nothing extravagant, just a paint palette and a very cool steampunk graphic to be painted. One foot in front of the other. Even thinking about joining the working world again - at 59 you'd think I would know what I want to be when I grow up - but I'm still not sure....I just know it has to be something I enjoy, or it's not worth doing.
If someone were to ask me "If you could go back, and do one thing different, what would it be?" I believe now that I should have been a lawyer, or at the very least - the best paralegal this side of the Pecos. With my family, it really would have come in handy.
So this is the plan for my "new normal"...there really isn't one, except to be kind to myself. Hell, if no one else recognizes it...I do. To lose your whole foundation to unexpected deaths is just so cruel. My mom, my dad, my Joe - but when I'm at my lowest (yes, I still have those times) I think of one of the most beautiful women that I have met through this journey....we'll call her Minnie - she lost a son to this cruel disease and then her husband of forever so soon after. With all of my mind boggling loss I cannot imagine losing one of our children to this.......We used to be very close, but I believe, except for a poke every now and then - we just don't know what to say to each other. She knows I love her, and I know she loves me....and we also know that there is nothing to fix our broken hearts. So we move along, blindly.......sometimes tripping, or even falling.....but it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Jenny, pick up your pen and go for it. If we didn't have setbacks in life, we probably would never understand the goodness in life. You are awesome and good for you for owning up to who and what you are. What that is, is a loving and caring person who has just gone through a huge life changing experience. I can tell you that you have been an inspiration to many of us through your tough times. Even though there are many years and miles between many of us, we are still all friends in life. We share experiences and learn from them. Nothing can take away the joy we have had in life and we need to hold on to it. I can tell you that it was great to see you this summer at our reunion. You being there was awesome. There is a reason you are in our lives! I know what it is and so do you.
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