It's been quite awhile for me to get around to writing the epilogue to this journey. With good reason, I suppose.
We always knew there was a chance that we would not make it to transplant, but it is so hard to face up to that reality. I could never imagine my life without my Joe, but here I am living it.
On April 3rd at approximately 3 am Joe, while hospitalized at the University of Washington Medical Center, suffered a massive brain bleed on the right side. Within the 45 minutes it took me to get to the hospital - his frontal lobe and left side also massively bled. They gave me the news that Joe was brain dead and that there was no chance of a comeback. Unless you have lived a similar situation you have no idea how devastating those words are. You walk into your husband's room zombie-like, and you think "ok, jokes over, wake up, show me those beautiful blue eyes, tell me you love me, come back, oh please come back....And you think of his fist in the air years ago when we started this journey saying "I will", then "I'll try", but there is nothing - no fist - no words....just a respirator breathing for him. And on April 4th he passed.
The next zombie like thing you do is go off to a room, by yourself, and begin the phone calls. One at a time, one as heartbreaking as the other...you find yourself apologizing - "I'm so sorry"....like there was something you could have done to change the circumstances. Then you go and take up your "place", right next to your husband as you have always done.
I Jenny, take you Joe, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.
So much has happened since that day, a few short months ago. The burial of the cremains in the Boise, ID Veterans Cemetery, with full military honors (so moving).
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| The folding of the flag. |
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| Presentation of the flag |
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| Honorable Gun Salute |
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| Playing Taps - so haunting |
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| Our Children - Josh, Bobby, Jeremy, Kimmy and Molly |
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| Presentation of Roses by family members |
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| Our Grandchildren - Tyra, Matthew, Romie, Harlow and Matty |
As you can see - it was really windy that day, and it was a very cold wind. So the next few days I wasn't feeling well....quite a cough. Got very sick and stuck myself in bed, until I decided to go see my Doctor. Walking pneumonia - two weeks went by before I was able to do a thing, including getting out of bed. Was suppose to be back in Washington working on my mom and dad's stuff so we can sell the house...waylaid. After more than a month I was finally well enough to attempt the drive back...Had Kimmy's wedding to get to, back in Idaho, and needed to be well. Continued my road back to health in WA, and then made it back to ID for the nuptials. Joe was so looking forward to walking "his little girl" down the aisle. It was hard for us all. My brother, Mike Crouch, and our oldest son Bobby did the honors for Joe. It was quite a darling spectacle seeing my 6'6" brother and 6'4" son coming down the aisle with our 5'1" daughter. It was wonderful.
Bobby danced with Kimmy to the song that Joe and she had picked out for their father/daughter dance, "My Little Girl", while a slideshow of Joe's and Kimmy's life together was shown. I don't think there was a dry eye in the house - certainly not mine.
I don't know how I've made it this far, and it hasn't been pretty. The mind altering grief has taken me away from reality and I live life in a fog. Months go by, and I have no idea how. I have big life choices to make.....I don't know how it will be possible.
Author's note: This blog entry was written in July of 2013, but I never published it. It's time.....and then on to more of how you get through the most horrible times of your life.
So much has happened since that day, a few short months ago. The burial of the cremains in the Boise, ID Veterans Cemetery, with full military honors (so moving).
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